Chapter 6
6. A Map of Strategies for Quality Control
6.1 In the preceding chapters, I have proposed to set aside the concept of equivalence as an attribute or set of features in the source text and the target text as finished products, and instate the concepts of convergence and coincidence as ongoing processes (2.6). I have also proposed the concept of quality control as the proper guide over the cyclical nature of these processes. The initial cycle yields the so-called “first draft”, which in poetic translating is virtually never convergent; it may be likened to an assembly of building materials before one starts on the house in earnest.
6.2 I have repeatedly adduced examples where quality control was not much in evidence (e.g. in section 1.C). Apparently, translating is often done by clueless amateurs who improvise from schooldays English or bilingual dictionaries (1.13). Or, some recognised poets quite fluent in English give free reign to their own imaginations (1.25; 3.16). Rhyme and metre are either dissolved or else retained by strenuous wrenchings of meaning or word-order – and then off to the publisher or the Internet.
6.3 Having advocated a “strategic map” for quality control, I shall now apply one to my 1977 version of the Elegies as it evolved into 2007 version. I began by localising potential problems and seeking to classify them under types bearing user-friendly terms. I then began the heavy lifting of sifting and testing alternatives for improved convergence. In most of the demonstration data displayed below, the lines are arranged first with the source text followed by the 1977 and 2007 target text.
6.A Dedications
6.4 Dedications can of course be translated, yet doing so may not suggest to the target audience what further meanings may be entailed. Unless they are simply parents or spouses and hence meaningless to anyone else, they may signify a compliment or gratitude for existential support. In the Elegies, they are mainly aristocratic patrons, perhaps to serve as testimonials; and attest to Rilke’s lifelong attraction toward the European nobility, about which a great deal has been written.[Note 1]
6.5 The entire text of the Duino Elegies is dedicated to Princess Marie von Thurn und Taxis-Hohenlohe, the mistress of the Duino castle, where much of the Elegies were composed. She later published Erinnerungen an Rainer Maria Rilke (Memories of Rainer Maria Rilke) (Berlin: R. Oldenbourg, 1937).
She stemmed from an ancient and noble family that became (and still is) fabulously wealthy by establishing and maintaining the first European postal service from the 16th through the 19th centuries. Prince Albert II von Thurn und Taxis (born 1983) was listed by Forbes in 2007 as the world’s youngest billionaire.
6.6 The Fifth Elegy is dedicated to Herta König, who was another of his patrons, and his hostess at Gut Böckel -- and then the owner of the Picasso painting Les Saltimbanques to which this Elegy is addressed.
Les Saltimbanques
6.7 The Eighth Elegy is dedicated to Rudolf Kassner, a Viennese philosopher and mystic, and a prolific if somewhat obscure writer on religious subjects, as in Die Mystik, die Künstler und das Leben (1900), Die Elemente der menschlichen Größe (1911), and Zahl und Gesicht (1919).
He remained a close friend of Rilke’s. though their views on Christianity diverged emphatically, and the Elegies are by no means a “Christian” text in any orthodox sense.
6.B Superficial errors and oversights
6.8 The least serious problem I uncovered in the 1977 version were the superficial errors and oversights, some of them maybe mere typos because the typesetters were spitefully sabotaging the publishing house, presumably over some wage dispute. In the worst abuse, they put in only left-hand smart quotes — ‘like this‘ – in the entire book, and I was forced to “correct” every one by hand -- and even pay for the “extra work”!
6.9 Other small blunders of yesteryear I noted in my current revisions included:
und dort wars Atem (VIII 50)
1997 and there it had been breath (VIII 50)
2007 and there it was breath (VIII 50)
mitten im Schicksal stands, im vernichtenden (VII 68)
1997 This stands in the midst of demolishing destiny (VII 68)
2007 This stood in the midst of demolishing destiny (VII 68)
höchstens: Säule, Turm.... aber zu sagen, verstehs, (IX 34)
1997 at the utmost: column, tower.... but express them, understand (IX 34)
2007 at the utmost: column, tower.... but to utter them, understand (IX 34)
Immer ist es Welt
und niemals Nirgends ohne Nicht: das Reine,
Unüberwachte, das man atmet und
unendlich weiss und nicht begehrt. Als Kind
verliert sich eins im Stilln (VIII 16-20)
1997 Always it is “world”
and never “nowhere” without “not”: the pure,
unobserved that one breathes and
endlessly knows and does not crave. As a child
one loses oneself in silence (VIII 16-20)
2007 Always it is “world”
and never “nowhere” without “not”: the pure,
not watched over, that one breathes and
endlessly knows and does not crave. As a child
one might silently get lost in it (VIII 16-20)
Yet seemingly minor oversights can entail unwelcome implications. As shown by my dual versions of the opening of the Eighth Elegy in 3.14, merely misreading a pronoun had clouded the thematic opposition between animals and humans. Here, the child “loses itself” not in plain “silence” as such but “silently” “in the “pure” space of “‘nowhere’” without “‘not’”.
6.C Rearranging the word-order
6.10 Back in 1977, I had not yet come to appreciate the full significance of word-order as expounded in section 4.E. My 2007 quality control has sought to render word-order more convergent, yet without intrusive deformations of English:
diesen Urwald in ihm, auf dessen stummem Gestürztsein
lichtgrün sein Herz stand (III 54-55)
1997 this aboriginal forest inside him, on whose mute toppledness
his heart stood, luminous green (III 54-55)
2007 this aboriginal forest inside him, on whose mute toppledness,
luminous green, his heart stood. (III 54-55)
Schwelle: was ists für zwei
Liebende, dass sie die eigne ältere Schwelle der Tür
ein wenig verbrauchen, auch sie, nach den vielen vorher (IX 39-41)
1997 Threshold: what is it to two
lovers, that they slightly wear down their own older threshold
of the door, they too, after the many before them (IX 39-41)
2007 Threshold: what is it to two
lovers, that the older threshold of the door
they slightly wear down, they too, after the many before them (IX 39-41)
Da wird für eines Augenblickes Zeichnung
ein Grund von Gegenteil bereitet, mühsam,
dass wir sie sähen (IV 14-16)
1997 To make the sketch of a moment such that we can see it,
a background of the opposite is prepared
arduously (IV 14-16)
2007 There, for the sketch of a moment,
a background of opposites is created, arduously,
That we should see it (IV 14-16)
diese, von Hingang
lebenden Dinge, [...] vergänglich,
traun sie ein Rettendes uns, den Vergänglichsten, zu. (IX 63-65)
1997 And these things that live
on passing away, […] ephemeral,
they trust that we, the most ephemeral, can save them. (IX 63-65)
2007 And these things that live
on passing away, […] ephemeral,
they entrust a saving act to us, the most ephemeral. (IX 63-65)
Draussen aber kräuseln sich immer die Ränder von Jahrmarkt. (X 23)
1997 Outside, however, the carnival’s edges are always ruffling. (X 23)
2007 Outside, however, are always ruffling the carnival’s edges. (X 23)
According to the principle of “end weight” (4.26, 32), focus should now be allotted to the “standing heart”; the way” lovers” only “slightly wear down the threshold” many others have crossed; and the “arduous” exertions made precisely for the “background” such that we should see it. Furthermore, not far beyond the “carnival’s ruffling edges” lies the foreboding and desolate landscape the deceased youth must traverse.
6.11 Whilst I was replacing “off-target” expressions (in the sense of 6.F), I condensed or excised what I considered dispensable clutter.
Tempel kennt er nicht mehr. Diese, des Herzens, Verschwendung
sparen wir heimlicher ein. (VII 57)
1977 Temples he heeds no longer. These, the extravagances of the heart
we more secretly omit. (VII 57-58)
2007 Temples he knows heeds no longer. These, the heart’s
extravagances we more secretly retrench. (VII 57-58)
Er, der Neue, Scheuende, wie er verstrickt war,
mit des innern Geschehns weiterschlagenden Ranken (III 49-50)
1997 He, the novice and shy one, how entangled he was
with inner occurrence’s further unfolding vines (III 49-50)
2007 He, the novice and shy one, how entangled he was
with inner occurrence’s burgeoning vines (III 49-50)
Werbung nicht mehr, nicht Werbung, entwachsene Stimme,
sei deines Schreies Natur (VII 1-2)
1997 Courtship no longer, do not let courtship, voice that’s outgrown it,
be your cry’s Nature (VII 1-2)
2007 Courtship no longer, not courtship, outgrown voice
be your cry’s Nature (VII 1-2)
Erst jenen kleinen fragenden Auflaut, den, mit steigernder Stille,
weithin umschweigt ein reiner bejahender Tag. (VII 11-13)
1997 First that tiny questioning commencement of sound, around which, with intensifying stillness,
a clear and affirmative day would be expansively silent. (VII 11-13)
2007 First that tiny questioning sonance, around which, with augmenting stillness,
a clear concurring day would be expandingly silent (VII 11-13)
Triller Fontäne, dem drängenden Strahl schon das Fallen zuvornimmt
im versprechlichen Spiel.... Und vor sich, den Sommer. (VII 15-17)
1997 a fountain that for the pressuring spray gathers its falling beforehand
in promising play . . . And in front of the springtime, the summer. (VII 15-17)
2007 fountain that for the pressuring spray already antecedes its falling
in promising play . . . And upcoming, the summer. (VII 15-17)
I had to rescue parallelism only in a few spots, such as:
das freie Tier
hat seinen Untergang stets hinter sich und vor sich Gott (VIII 10-12)
1997 the untrammelled animal
has its annihilation constantly behind it and God in front (VIII 10-12)
2007 The untrammeled animal
has its annihilation constantly behind it and God before it (VIII 10-12)
In addition, I weeded out some unnecessary repetitions, such as:
wenn die Verführung zum Blühn wie gelinderte Nachtluft
ihnen die Jugend des Munds, ihnen die Lider berührt (VI 14-15)
1997 when the incitement to blossom, like night air made mild,
touches the youth of their mouths, or touches their eyelids (VI 14-15)
2007 when the inducment to blossom, like night air made mild,
touches the youth of their mouths, or their eyelids (VI 14-15)
die stärksten rollt sie wieder, [...] wie August der Starke bei Tisch
einen zinnenen Teller (V 15-16, 18)
1997 strongest of men are rolled again, [...] like King August the Strong at table
rolling a pewter plate (V 15-16, 18)
2007 of men are rolled again, [...] like King August the Strong at table
a pewter plate (V 15-16, 18)
6.D Metre, euphony, and intonational flow
6.12 This category depends most crucially on the translator’s sensitivities, on one’s own “ear”. Assonance deserves to be retained, e.g.:
so drängen wir uns plötzlich Winden auf
und fallen ein auf teilnahmslosen Teich. (IV 4-5)
we impose ourselves suddenly on winds
and swoop down upon an unresponding pond. (IV 4-5)
Von Beifall zu Zufall
taumelt er weiter (X 27-28)
From applause to chance laws
he staggers onward (X 27-28)
Also, I try to avoid piling up either dense combinations of one-syllable units bearing stress or extended sequences of multi-syllable units bearing few stresses.[Note 3] Here are some of my versions and their revisions:
Es wäre ein Platz, den wir nicht wissen (V 97)
1997 There would be a place we do not know (V 97)
2007 It would be a place we don’t know (V 97)
das trockene Flussbett einstiger Mütter (III 72-73)
1997 the dry river-bed of past mothers (III 72-73)
2007 the dry river-bed of erstwhile mothers (III 72-73)
Wo, o wo ist der Ort -- ich trag ihn im Herzen --,
wo sie noch lange nicht konnten (V 75-76)
1997 Where, oh where is the place -- I bear it in my heart --
where for a long time they were not yet skilled (V 75-76)
2007 Where, oh where is the place -- I bear it in my heart --
where for a long time they were not yet adroit (V 75-76)
wir, die an steigendes Glück
denken, empfänden die Rührung,
die uns beinah bestürzt, (X 109-111)
1997 And we, who conceive of rising happiness,
would be touched in a way
that almost confounds us (X 109-111)
2007 And we, who conceive of rising happiness,
would sense the poignancy
that almost confounds us (X 109-111)
O und der Frühling begriffe --, da ist keine Stelle,
die nicht trüge den Ton der Verkündigung (VII 10-11)
1997 Oh and the springtime would grasp this -- no place in it
would not carry the tone of proclamation. (VII 10-11)
2007 Oh and the springtime would compass grasp this, no place in it
would not convey the tone of announcement (VII 10-11)
und bog Sterne zu sich aus gesicherten Himmeln (VII 69-70)
1997 and bent the stars toward itself from skies made secure (VII 69-70)
2007 and bent the stars toward itself from unassailable skies (VII 69-70)
vor den Zuschauern rings, unzähligen lautlosen Toten (V 104)
1997 before the ring of spectators, the innumerable soundless dead (V 104)
2007 before the ring of spectators, the numberless, soundless dead (V 104)
Some minor rearrangements of word-order seemed justified where an exact parallel would be awkward for the flow and metre:
Wir ordnens wieder und zerfallen selbst. (VIII 66-69)
We again arrange it and disintegrate ourselves. (VIII 66-69)
[compare: We arrange it again and disintegrate ourselves.
Und immer geringer schwindet das Aussen. (VII 50-51)
And ever more meagre outwardness fades. (VII 50-51)
[compare: And ever more meagre fades outwardness.
Schwelle: was ists für zwei
Liebende, daß sie die eigne ältere Schwelle der Tür
ein wenig verbrauchen, auch sie (IX 39-42)
Threshold: what is it to two
lovers, that their own older threshold of the door
they slightly wear down, they too (IX 39-42)
[compare: they slightly wear down, also they]
Though my treatment of metre and flow may be disputable, I always attentively sound out the lines in my mind before I finalise them.
6.E Varieties of meanings
6.13 Now I come to the subtle or thorny problems of whether and how meanings in different languages can be brought toward convergence. Complacency in your own personal usage stems from assuming that your own knowledge of a language is generally shared and hence authenticated from the start (see Chapter 7 for some sobering instances). This time around I consulted the LEO German <=> English Dictionary on the Internet whenever I suspected any personal bias, and incorporated the findings. Here are some blunders I sniffed out and revised:
Stelle, Siedelung, Lager, Boden, Wohnort (X 15)
1997 location, settlement, resting place, soil, residence (X 15)
2007 location, settlement, campsite, soil, residence (X 15)
Schaukeln der Freiheit! Taucher und Gaukler des Eifers! (X 24)
1997 Seesaws of freedom! Divers and magicians of zeal! (X 24)
2007 Seesaws of freedom! Divers and jugglers of zeal! (X 24)
Und des behübschten Glücks figürliche Schieástatt (X 25)
1997 And prettified happiness’s figurative shooting-gallery (X 25)
2007 And prettified happiness’s figure-filled shooting-gallery (X 25)
wo es zappelt von Ziel und sich blechern benimmt (X 26)
1997 that twitches with target and behaves tinnily (X 26)
2007 that twitches with target and behaves metalically (X 26)
Lebendige kennen sie nur als sanftes Blattwerk (X 66)
1997 the living know them only as gentle carven leaves (X 29)
2007 the living know them only as gentle foliage (X 29)
werben, trommeln und plärrn (X 29)
1997 advertise, beat the drum and rant (X 29)
2007 canvass, beat the drum, and shout (X 29)
I had always associated the Austrian dialectal verb “plärrn” with unpleasant, intrusive vociferation -- onomatopoeia, I suppose -- but I have verified from the Internet that it merely designates “shout”. “Advertise” was just a carefree anachronism.
6.14 Dilutions could be a term for fairly empty and commonplace choices, which I sought to replace with more content:
Wo einmal ein dauerndes Haus war (VII 52)
1997 Where once was a lasting house (VII 52)
2007 Where once was an enduring house (VII 52)
Mein Anruf ist immer voll Hinweg (VII 88)
1997 my call is always full of awayness (VII 88)
2007 my summons is always full of awayness (VII 88)
Doch sein Sein ist ihm
unendlich, ungefasst und ohne Blick auf seinen Zustand (VIII 39-40)
1997 but for it, its own existence is
endless, ungrasped, and without regard for its condition (VIII
39-40)
2007 its own existence is for it
endless, ungrasped, and without scrutiny of its condition (VIII 39-40)
Eines ist, die Geliebte zu singen. Ein anderes, wehe,
jenen verborgenen schuldigen Fluss-Gott des Bluts. (III 1-2)
1997 It’s one thing to sing the woman one loves. Something else, alas,
to sing that concealed, guilty river-god of the blood. (III 40-41)
2007 It’s one thing to sing the woman one loves. Antithetic, alas,
to sing that enshrouded, culpable river-god of the blood. (III 40-41)
in die Falten des Vorhangs
passte, die leicht sich verschob, seine unruhige Zukunft (III 40-41)
1997 into the folds of the curtain
slipped, slightly putting itself aside, his unquiet future (III 40-41)
2007 into the folds of the curtain
slipped, lightly displaced, his unquiet future (III 40-41)
wirft sie und fängt sie zurück (V 6)
1997 tosses them and retrieves them (V 6)
2007 tosses them and catches them back (V 6)
eingegangen in seiner gewaltigen Haut (V 29)
1997 shrunken inside his powerful skin (V 29)
2007 shrunken inside his gigantic skin (V 29)
Du, der mit dem Aufschlag,
wie nur Früchte ihn kennen, unreif, Früchte, unreif, [...]
abfällt und anprallt ans Grab (V 41-46)
1997 You who, with the impact known only to
fruit, unripe, […] fall off and strike a grave (V 41-43, 46)
2007 You who, with the impact known only to
fruit, unripe, […] fall off and rebound from a grave (V 41-43, 46)
die gestalteten Bäume, stark und gewaltig (VII 21)
1997 the arranged trees, staunch and mighty (VII 21)
2007 the sculptured trees, staunch and mighty (VII 21)
nicht nur der nahende Schlaf und ein Ahnen, abends. (VII 25)
1997 not only nearing sleep and an ideation at evening (VII 25)
2007 not only impending sleep and a surmise at evening (VII 25)
Glaubt nicht, Schicksal sei mehr, als das Dichte der Kindheit (VII 36)
1997 Do not believe that destiny’s more than the cohesion of childhood (VII 36)
2007 Do not believe that destiny’s more than the density of childhood (VII 36)
6.F Off-targets
6.15 Perhaps the user-friendly term off-targets will serve for the frequent expressions which seem almost convergent, somewhat similar to dilutions -- and may be listed as such in bilingual dictionaries. But they lack essential subtleties or carry misleading implications, as if the arrow had just missed the target or only grazed the edge. I tried to aim now for the centre, consulting not merely the LEO German <=> English Dictionary (6.13), but also testing candidates in the excellent Random House Webster’s Dictionary.
Gelenke des Lichtes, Gänge, Treppen, Throne (II 13)
1997 angles of light, passages, stairways, thrones (II 13)
2007 joints of light, passages, stairways, thrones (II 13)
die Stelle nicht schwindet, die ihr, Zärtliche,
zudeckt; weil ihr darunter das reine Dauern verspürt. (II 58-59)
1997 the place does not fade that you tenderly
cover; because beneath it you sense unbroken duration. (II 58-59)
2007 the place does not fade that you tenderly
cover; because beneath it you sense pure duration (II 58-59)
Nirgends ohne Nicht: das Reine, Unüberwachte (VIII 17-18)
1997 and never “nowhere” without “not”: the pure, unobserved (VIII 17-18)
2007 and never “nowhere” without “not”: the pure, not watched over (VIII 17-18)
Ruf ihn...du rufst ihn nicht ganz aus dunkelem Umgang. (III 22)
1997 Call him...you will not call him wholly away from sinister companionship. (III 22)
2007 Call him...you will not call him wholly away from darksome affinity. (III 22)
Liebend stieg er hinab in das ältere Blut, in die Schluchten,
wo das Furchtbare lag, noch satt von den Vätern. Und jedes
Schreckliche kannte ihn, blinzelte, war wie verständigt. (III 57-60)
1997 Loving,he descended down to his elder blood, into the gorges
where terror was lying, glutted still with his ancestors. And every
awesomeness knew him, winked as if informed. (III 58-60)
2007 Loving,he descended down to his elder blood, into the gorges
where the terror was lying, glutted still with his ancestors. And every
fearsomeness knew him, winked as if notified. (III 58-60)
die Väter, die wie Trümmer Gebirgs uns im Grunde beruhn (III 71-72)
1997 but the forefathers who, like the rubble of mountain ranges, repose in our foundations (III 71-72)
2007 but the forefathers who, like the detritus of mountain ranges, repose in our bedrock (III 71-72)
Wir sind nicht einig. Sind nicht wie die Zug-
vögel verständigt. Überholt und spät,
so drängen wir uns plötzlich Winden auf (IV 2-4)
1997 We are not unified. Are not informed
as migrant birds are. Out of date and tardy,
we press ourselves all at once on winds (IV 2-4)
2007 We are not synchronised Are not notified
as migrant birds are. Bygone and tardy,
we impose ourselves suddenly on winds (IV 2-4)
Dann kommt zusammen, was wir immerfort
entzwein, indem wir da sind. Dann entsteht
aus unsern Jahreszeiten erst der Umkreis
des ganzen Wandelns. (IV 58-61)
1997 Then shall be united what we incessantly
divide whilst we exist. Then shall arise
out of our seasons, not before, the extension
of entire change. (VI 27-28)
2007 Then shall be united what we incessantly
dissect whilst we exist. Only then arises
out of our seasons, not before, the circumference
of entire change. (VI 27-28)
in lieblicher Urne
rühms mit blumiger schwungiger Aufschrift (V 61-62)
1997 on a charming urn
celebrate it with a flowery, dynamic inscription (V 61-62)
2007 on a charming urn
celebrate it with a flowery, sweeping inscription (V 61-62)
Auf einmal durchgeht mich mit der strömenden Luft sein verdunkelter Ton. (VI 27-28)
1997 All at once there pervades me, with the streaming air, his obscured tone. (VI 27-28)
2007 All at once there pervades me, with the streaming air, his endarkened tone. (VI 27-28)
wär ich ein Knabe und dürft es noch werden und sässe
in die künftigen Arme gestützt und läse von Simson (VI 30-31)
1997 if I were a boy and might yet be the hero and were sitting
supported by future arms and reading of Samson (VI 30-31)
2007 if I were a boy and might yet be the hero and were sitting
braced upon future arms and reading of Samson (VI 30-31)
Nicht nur die Tage, die zart sind um Blumen (VII 20)
1997 Not only the days that gently surround flowers (VII 20)
2007 Not only the days winsome around the flowers (VII 20)
Tempel kennt er nicht mehr. Diese, des Herzens, Verschwendung
sparen wir heimlicher ein. Ja, wo noch eins übersteht (VII 57-58)
1997 Temples he heeds no longer. These, the extravagances of the heart
we more secretly omit. Indeed, where one still lasts on (VII 57-58)
2007 Temples he knows no longer. These, the heart’s extravagances
we more secretly retrench. Indeed, where one still endures (VII 57-58)
Wäre Bewußtheit unsrer Art in dem
sicheren Tier, das uns entgegenzieht
in anderer Richtung --, riss es uns herum
mit seinem Wandel. (VIII 35-38)
1997 Were there awareness of our species in the
the assured animal that comes toward us
in the opposite direction, it would wrench us round
with its course. (VIII 35-38)
2007 Were there awareness of our species in the
assured animal that comes toward us
in the opposite direction —, it would wrench us round
with its ambulation. (VIII 35-38)
Uns überfüllts. Wir ordnens. Es zerfällt.
Wir ordnens wieder und zerfallen selbst. (VIII 68-69)
1997 It overfills us. We arrange it. It collapses.
We again arrange it and collapse ourselves. (VIII 68-69)
2007 It overfills us. We arrange it. It disintegrates.
We again arrange it and disintegrate ourselves. (VIII 68-69)