Chapter 7
7. Translation Quality out of Control
7.1. Among the published translations of the Duineser Elegien available in English (some are listed in the Bibliography), I have selected two for a discussion of how quality may stray out of control.
7.A. Carlyle Ferran Maclntyre
7.2 To judge from a brief and boozy cameo in Lawrence Ferlinghetti’s Love in the Days of Rage, (New York: E.P. Dutton, 1988), Carlyle Ferran Maclntyre moved to Paris aspiring to be accounted among the illustrious “Lost Generation”. Lost at least he evidently was. I can discover nothing further about him on the Internet; he is listed in just four hits, and as a “translator” without comment. But his ambitions as a translator were considerable: besides the Elegies, he attacked Goethe's Faust and poetry by Baudelaire, Mallarmé, and Verlaine, none of which are now listed in Amazon.com.
7.3 His limited experience with the German language was fatefully coupled with a patent insensitivity for quality control. Some of these non-convergences may be due to simple misreadings:
so weit sind wirs => We are come thus far [read as: so weit sind wir] (II 71)
Ein Mal jedes => everyone once [read as: Ein Mal jeder] (IX 13-14)
des Säglichen Zeit => time for the unutterable [read as: des Unsäglichen Zeit] (IX 43)
Furthermore, I noted a persistent tendency to read compound verbs as their simple forms or vice-versa, or to confuse compounds formed from the same stem. Often, the resulting form is more common than that actually used by Rilke:
bergen => hide [read as: verbergen] (I 33
gedenken => think [read as: denken] (I 47)
schwinden: => disappear [read as: verschwinden] (II 23)
passen => a dapt [read as: anpassen] (III 41)
zuvornehmen => take [read as: nehmen] (VII 16)
sich hinhalten => hold its own [read as: sich halten] (V 60)
umgedreht => twisted [read as: verdreht] (VIII 70)
Adventitious interference between languages did its part, viz.:
Mantel => mantle (III 40)
schlingen => sling (V 5)
Augenblick => eye-wink (IV 14)
Herzschwung => heart-swing (V 99)
7.4 Off-target expressions seemed rather carefree:
er wird ein Bürger => turns out to be a townsman (IV 24)
verraten => revealed (VI 11)
Dauern ficht ihn nicht an => Permanence does not tempt him (VI 21-22)
Umkehr der Welt => turn of the world (VII 63)
riss es uns herum => would drag us along behind him (VIII 37-38)
7.5 Expressions from ordinary discourse were by no means convergent with the diction of the original:
dem der Geliebte entging => whose lover ran off (I 47)
und war wie verständigt => and knew what was doing (III 60)
so würbest du wohl => you want to be after some mate (VII 5-6)
der Fruhling begriffe => spring would be with you (VII 10)
die ihr scheinbar entbehrtet => you who missed out, it seems (VII 40)
mein Atem reicht [ ... ] nicht aus => I've not enough breath to hold out (VII 76)
behubschten => flashy (X 25)
ein Geschickterer => a crack shot (X 27)
Gratuitous interpretations intruded:
übertönt sie => drowns their voices (I 85)
erbauten Bewegung => built-up stunt (V 44)
sein verdunkelter Ton => his obscured shout ( 28)
den Ton der Verkündigung => the music of annunciation (VII 11)
Some flat-out contradictions resulted:
Alles ist nicht es selbst => Nothing is anything (IV 64-65)
treibt […] abwärts den Saft und hinan => propel the sap downwards and up (VI 6)
7.6 A specialized sense might obtrude where a general sense, to my mind, was clearly intended:
das Mass des Abstandes => the measuring-stick of distance (IV 77)
mit den Massen der Zeit => by meters of time (VII 43)
am Ausgang => at the exit (X I)
Also overly specialised were the non-convergent technical terms:
Leeren => vacuum (X 18)
Weltraum => cosmic space (II 29)
Aufguss => infusion (IV 39)
Innre => quintessence (VI 10)
atmende Klarsein => ozone (VII 24)
zwitterig => hybrid (VIII 51)
Even the terminology of American business life encroached:
ein luftiger Austausch => a bartering of the breeze (II 41)
doch ohne den Vorteil => and pass up the profit (VII 61)
eines nahen Verlusts => loss impending (IX 8)
dein drängender Auftrag => your insistent commission (IX 71)
7.7 Concrete language used by Rilke was sometimes rendered in vague abstractions (see also 7.17):
enttrat => forsook (I 94)
sie verdecken sich nur mit einander ihr Los => they only hide their fate from themselves by using each other (I 22)
Uns überfüllts => We are surfeited (VIII 68)
ein Tun ohne Bild => an action without symbol (IX 46)
7.8 Curiously, I ran across scattered instances of what was presumably deemed "poetic" usage:
Weltraum => welkin (I 18)
Jünglings => stripling (III 80)
Schicksal vermeidend => shunning destiny (IX 5)
einstens => once upon a time (X 65)
7.9 Thematic cohesion and coherence among terms hardly fared better. “Brauchen” in the First Elegy was rendered in its thematic first occurrence as “use” (I 10), but as “`need” in I 26, 86, and 89. The equally thematic term “schreien” was rendered as “shouted” in I 1, but in the Seventh Elegy, which unmistakably points back to the First, both as “cry” and "call” in a single line (VII 2). The verb “vergehen” is “perish” in I 3, but “droop” in II 54. A thematic term of the Ninth Elegy, “unsäglich”, was translated as “untold” in IX 28, but as “unutterable” in IX 27, 30, and 53; worse yet, “des Saglichen” in IX 43 was misrendered “the unutterable” rather than just the opposite. The thematic term “verwandeln” appears as “transmute” in VII 49 and IX 66, as “changing” in VII 51, and as “transformation” in IX 71.
7.10 The rearrangement of word-order incurred damages of its own:
Es bleibt uns vielleicht irgendein Baum an dem Abhang => Maybe on the hill-slope some tree or other remains for us (I 16)
und glühn in der Fülle des Herzens => with full glowing hearts (VI 13)
alles das Hiesige braucht, diese Schwindende, das seltsam uns angeht => the transient Here seems to need us and concern us strangely (IX 12-13)
Beginn immer von neuem die nie zu erreichende Preisung => Ever newly begin the praise you cannot accomplish (I 39-40)
Oder es trug eine Inschrift sich erhaben dir auf => Or loftily an inscription charged itself upon you (I 64)
7.11 Euphony was horribly deformed in these four lines:
Freilich, wehe, wie fremd sind die Gassen der Leid-Stadt,
wo in der falschen, aus Übertonung gemachten
Stille, stark, aus der Gussform des Leeren der Ausguss
prahlt: der vergoldete Larm, des platzende Denkmal. (X 16-19)
Yes, and alas, how strange are the streets of the City of Pain,
where in the false silence made out of uproar's resounding,
violent, a casting from the mold of vacuum,
blusters the gilded hubbub, the blurting monument. (X 16-19)
7.12 In sum, I believe I can fairly conclude that quality control as I have described has exerted little influence upon this “translation. How such casual work contrives to be published I cannot explain except from the indifference or stinginess of the publishers (cf. 1.21).
7. B James Blair Leishman (and Stephen Spender)
7.13 In 1939, an English translation of the Elegies was published bearing the names of J.B. Leishman and Stephen Spender. Leishman, about whom I can discover very little, was an Oxford professor specialising in Donne and Milton. According to a native German colleague, he could “make out” German, and what that meant we are about to see. At all events, comparisons with other translations prepared by Leishman alone convinced me that this version of the Elegies is almost entirely his work, whilst Spender was busy “thinking continually of those who were truly great” and who ”told of the Spirit clothed from head to foot in song”, thus “leaving the vivid air signed with their honour” (a really blank cheque, I suppose). If the aspiring amateur MacIntyre sounded a trifle “unliterary”, Prof. Leishman’s translation hobby tended in the contrary direction, albeit his notions of “literariness” were largely conventional.
7.14 Some prefixed compounds he sustained (though how one’s own “heart outbeats” one I cannot quite picture):
hochaufschlagend erschlüg uns das eigene Herz =>: high up-beating our heart would out-beat us (II 8-9)
authob, aufrufend die Nacht zu unendlichem Aufruhr => uplift [...] uprousing the night to infinite uproar (III 7)
Yet in the thematic series of “ent-” compounds in I 86-95, no two of them were rendered in parallel:
Früheentrückten => early-departed (I 86)
entwöhnt => weaned from (I 87)
entwächst => outgrows (I 88)
entspringt => source of (I 90)
enttrat => quitted (I 94)
The recurrence in the Fifth Elegy of “-spring-“' compounds was preserved or even increased:
Aufsprung => upspringing (V 9)
Ansprung => downward spring (V 52)
seinem Ursprung => spring that it springs from (V 55)
Nonetheless, two other compounds were translated in unrelated forms:
übersprungene => elided (V 66)
bespringende => mounting (V 77)
By contrast, Leishman interpolated some recurrences for which the source text offered no basis:
wer wehrte, hinderte => who could avert, divert (III 45-46)
veränderte Sternbild seiner steten Gefahr => changed constellation his changeless peril's assumed (VI 23-24)
Nirgends ohne Nicht => nowhere without no (VIII 17)
aus Übertonung gemachten Stille => stillness of uproar outroared (X 17-18)
7.15 Inconsistencies impaired thematic cohesion and coherence. Leishman rendered “brauchen'” in the First Elegy as “make use of” in I 10 and “have need of” in the other occurrences (I 26, 86, 89) (cf. 7.9). The key term “vergehen” (cf. 4.8) appears as “fade” in I 3 and “sinking” in II 54, while “verhalten” is rendered as “keep down my heart” in I 8, “persists” in II 56, and “withhold” in III 85.
7.16 Especially non-convergent inconsistencies emerged among items whose identity had been thematically highlighted by Rilke. For example, “Puppe” in “Puppenbühne” (IV 53) turned up as “puppet”, but when occurring by itself (IV 27, 57, X 93) as “doll”. “Klage” became “Lament” in X 42, 47, 55, 64, 72, and 92, but “Lamentation” in X 57 and 62. Moreover, this same thematic term had not been anticipated in the earlier Elegies:
Klage => mourning (I 91)
klagend => weeping (VI 41)
klagende => moaning (IX 61)
7.17 A tendency was noted in the Maclntyre version (7.7) to interchange concrete terms and abstract ones. I came across similarly arbitrary shifts in the Leishman version. Concrete terms became abstract:
bog sein Lippe sich => did his lips begin to assume (III 17)
die leicht sich verschob => that easily got out of place (III 41)
Übersprungene => elided (V 66)
die Sicht verstellt => spoiling the view (VIII 25)
Conversely, abstract terms became concrete, or concrete terms were simply interpolated:
heissen Gericht => smoking dish (II 27)
der ersten Blicke Schrecken => the startled first encounter (II 60-61)
das Vage => the vague look (II 34)
wallendes Chaos => the surging abyss (III 30)
sich [...] entzückt => leap with ecstasy (IX 38)
Moreover, explanatory material was supplied without warrant:
frag ich nach uns => I turn with my question about us (II 45)
an dir nicht bog seine Lippe sich => not to meet yours did his lips (III 16-17)
Mustern => primitive patterns (III 51)
Morder sind leicht einzusehen => Minds of murderers are easy to conceive of (IV 81-82)
wie gelinderte Nachtluft => seductive as evening air (VI 14)
die Erinnerung => a kind of memory (VIII 46)
über ein doppelt aufgeschlagenes Blatt => as though on the double page of an opened book (X 87-88)
7.18 Again, I believe I can fairly confirm some deficit in quality control, Still, the translator as a professional “literature person” achieved signally superior results as compared to the version examined in 7.A.
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